If only this guy would've made it to the Bloodsport audition

I present to thee: Mr. Bas Rutten--the Dutch-born mixed martial arts legend. He's ass-kicking, charismatic, funny, and as folks from Holland tend to go.....pretty fuckin weird. I've been showing people this hilarious (and rather informative) self-defense video for years, and everyone's loved it. Enjoy.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm gonna break....your leg (thick Dutch accent)!"



Apparently, Rutten wanted to break into movies after his fighting career was over, much like his regional contemporary and 80's film legend, JCVD (Belgium). So far that has yet to come to fruition, but these six-plus minutes give him legitimate distinction in my book.

Givin Thanks Abroad

In honor of the approaching greatest holiday ever, I give you flashbacks......

Just because you're living somewhere else doesn't mean the best holiday need be neglected. When living in China and turkey is nowhere in sight....time to improvise.

I made some wonderful friends in Shanghai, both Chinese and western folks. Us Americans will go to great lengths to feel sort of at home during the greatest holiday of all.

Despite living and working in different districts of the city, and finishing work at all different times, we still managed to have a "Thanksgiving" meal together at the closest to home (in more ways than one) that we could find (open late enough on a Thursday too, of course); a place Chinese people are utterly obsessed with and that you can BYOB (pictured above) (as you can do anywhere in China, police stations included--yes, I've done it); I'm talking about a magical little place called: KFC! I got one hyphenated word for ya: buckets-o-chicken.

In Slovakia we drank mulled wine until we got faschnicked and made a USA/CA Thxgivin--football watching and all.

We even had decorations.

I mean, turkeys gotta be carved sometimes.

Plates were most def full--we had a potluck Thanksgiving actually, so everyone was responsible for something; although, some of the more integral materials were left in the hands of more seasoned celebrators. The Lizard and I rocked the potatoes.

We gave the wishbone honors to hostess and head chef, Sarah and Liz.

Watchin football and eatin pumpkin pie with my buds on Thanksgiving--nothing better!

We ate and drank until extreme crankiness set in, as illustrated by Michael Todd.

Sun Chips come from the nuclear warheads that Superman threw into the sun

This cat I know, they call him the Lingokid, periodically buys all sorts of chips. He mixes it up impressively well--all brands, shapes, flavors, health levels. But every so often he buys Sun Chips. GOOD LORD those little bastards kick ass. Remember those old Pringles commercials: "once you pop, youuuuuu can't stop!"? Yeah, Pringles were good....in the 90's. But the cylindrical container thing was a gimmicky fad (or maybe a faddy gimmick). Sun Chips are where it's at--you should go get a bag toDAY! You seriously need assistance to stop eating them. I had to go in the other room--no joke.

I'm not really a chip eater; I'm much more into nutrition. I mean, I'm a human, so of course I enjoy eating great chips. I'm just really good at moderating myself. There are however, a few different chips over the years that have proved more difficult than others to resist eating more than a serving size at a time.

CRUNCHY CHEETOS (you can't share though because others inconsiderately lick their fingers between each bag reach)

PROPER CORN TORTILLA CHIPS (I'm from Texas)

BAKED LAY'S ORIGINAL (just so good and so much healthier than others)

THOSE PREMIUM THICK CUT SEA-SALTED LAY'S POTATO CHIPS (it's like eating bagged home fries)

AS AN OBSCURE PICK: THERE ARE THESE STEREOTYPICALLY GENERIC CLEAR PLASTIC UNLABELED BAGS OF PURPOSELY BURNT AND NATURALLY MISSHAPED, THICK AND YET NOT UNIFORMLY CUT, OVER-SALTED POTATO CHIPS I'VE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A FEW TIMES IN THE SLOVAK REPUBLIC, WHICH PUT ALL OTHER POTATO CHIPS TO SHAME (my goodness!)

AND THEN THERE ARE SUN CHIPS (besides the necessity to change rooms so you don't eat too many, they're WAY healthier than most chips)

Sun Chips even rival Baked Lay's in their nutritional value. Sodium is low, fiber is high, calories from fat are pretty low. It's as if they really are from the sun, the biological creator of all things. They're marvelous. Go get some.

Eat great things!

Fashionably Hated

Ready for a rad Haiku?

People love to hate
so many things for no par-
ticular reason.

Over the years, I've noticed common themes in negative bandwagon jumpers all over the globe. Everyone's entitled to their opinion (such a cliched preface)......but I don't believe that these themes are so consistently under-pleasant. Why? Because I'm open-minded and I have as much clout as the next schmuck.

People hear things enough from those they deem relatively credible sources and they fall in line because it's easier than internal analysis. Some folks go through the motions of analysis whilst already having made up their minds prior to objective thought. My mom "doesn't like" hummus because it looks like sour cream, although she loves beans. When she finally agreed to try it, she mistimed her pre-determined displeasure signal, shaking her head before it actually touched her tongue.

I get that some people (if not many people) genuinely detest things. But so many have nothing to support their notions and choose a thought route because it's common or fashionable. This irritates me. Take Europeans on "Dub-ya," for example. Don't tell me that EVERY single person from Europe passionately hates the former pres. I'm not saying I love the guy, but there's just no way everyone I have EVER spoken to about Jorge individually hates him. Surely many don't actually know enough about him to form an opinion. But go talk to a European.....their ignorant hate is uncanny. Do what I do--ask them why.

Here are some of the common themes people seem to hate in life, merely because it's fashionable to do so. Keep in mind that context may be relevant in some cases. If you're not an avid sports fan, you may not give a shit about sports commentators.


George W. Bush
The Eagles
Starbucks
cats

life after Superbowl
sports commentators
the holidays
going to the dentist
delivering speeches

taking out the trash
tax season
hangovers
rain
traffic

extended hospital stays
tequila
airport security
alternatives to Marlboro
foreigners
accents
grammar corrections
waiting for anything at a restaurant
down time


I can make a GREAT, and oft-overlooked argument for ANY of these. I just wonder: what's with all the hate?

hype bifocals

As inspired by today's date, I shall treat you with a post-halloween flashback clip from 2007 in Bratislava, Slovakia. Put THAT in your orange jack-o-lantern bucket.a

Apps

I love apples. LOVE them—so much. I’m such a snob too; you should see me at the market, systematically sifting through what I’d call mediocrity, whereas others might just call apples. A good apple is something to pay for. Normal grocery stores don’t have the goods. I like those organic, specially-controlled-growing-environment, three-toned apples, with a perfectly solid flesh. I feel every square centimeter of these Van Goghian juice rocks. If your fingers can cause damage anywhere while pressing in the skin, you throw her back like a runt fish.

Yesterday I saw one of my students eating a generically cartoon-red apple—she just ignored the little bruises as if all apples have those. That apple was good for two things: making applesauce and throwing at people. I get it how people don’t want to pay $2+ per pound for apples, but all it takes is a taste—just one. Bite into a Jazz apple, or a Honeycrisp, with green and yellow hues clouding up the shiny red backdrop. It feels like a baseball in hand and looks like a Bizzaro-Jerry-World Starry Night print on an oblongly rounded, organically delicious canvas. Seriously, just one bite…you’ll get it.

Just eat great things.

Plenty of Chicks in the Sea

I could’ve lied and claimed to be writing this at 10:10 (am or pm), but that would be trying too hard to make something out of nothing. Besides, I’ve got too much something out of which to make nothing.

Hopefully I find something shortly—something that will pay me well; oh, and also satisfy my professional desires and give me chance for advancement, and all that malarkey. Looking for jobs is a respectable way to spend one’s time; although, perhaps more respectable if I tried a bit harder.

People think I’m cocky. I don’t mean prospective employers, but rather my contemporaries—namely my creator and former provider named Pops. I’m not going to argue with him. Maybe I am. Someone like me in an interview: I win. I believe I have an unfair advantage…provided I actually get to interview. It’s not so easy for me to score interviews in the business realm. I’m aging for an entry-level guy, which is a less than brisk way of saying I want more respect (money) than entry level. It’s always awkward being a tweener, I guess in anything. I don’t have the experience as other folks my age, yet my stable presence outclasses younger competition.

Finding something ideally fitting would be tremendous, but who finds that, honestly? Niches are great if yours is in demand. Mine should always be in demand, but not right away. In a related story, paying one’s dues gets emotionally expensive. Surely some solid companies out there need a corporate grease man—a guy you can send…freaking anywhere for as long as needed. Add trustworthiness, stability, and any of those other words that have been completely diluted because EVERYONE claims them. I get it: market yourself in resumes. There’s so much bologna self-marketing out there that the paradigm has shifted to separation—like an Ernest Givens double move to shake cornerbacks. I focus on separating myself from anyone else (somehow) competing with me—from the masses. It’s like conventional (yet naturally contrarian) sports gambling theory—go the opposite direction from the masses.

Just make them remember you—obviously in a positive light. Your credentials are what they are, and most likely, they’re not far and away better or worse than everyone else’s on paper if you got the interview, so let the resume speak for itself, relax, and show them who you are as best you can. Don’t let them dictate what you say the same way they will the dozen other candidates before and after you. Turn it into interviewing them. Answer questions with questions. Ask about the pictures of their family on their desk, Read’em and take some risks. Getting to the next level doesn’t take the whole company to like you—you just got to beat that guy/gal on the other side of the desk. Look for a way to beat the interviewer—be clever. Be Interview McGyver.

It’s simple, really. Getting the interviews for decent gigs is the hard part. For now, exhausting my limited connections and scouring the papers continues. It’s a frustrating process, but much like with the ladies: it only takes one. And there’re plenty of chicks in the sea, or whatever. Just got to get that first interview…for jobs too.

Brazil v. ...... (confused head-scratching pause) N.Korea?

World Cup 2010, written in Warsaw, Poland

Are we ready for Brazil v. N. Korea?

VS.

I was reading this article today about how the PRK wasn't springing for the broadcast of their own team's games in the World Cup. Alas, the Asian News Conglomerate or whatever (responsible for the international feeds throughout the landful continent) decided they couldn't in clear conscience deprive the people of that (or any) nation the rare chance to see their boys play some ball. Now it remains to be seen whether Kim Jong Idiot will let the broadcast actually reach his (probably not) blissfully ignorant constituents. It's possible he'll let it air a day late, advertently ensuring avoidance of any messages or just general rest-of-the-world's-normal-life-exposure he deems inappropriate for his herd of forcefully obedient sheep. All this brings up a life-long human rights issue that nobody I've ever met can imagine.....actually, that's not true because i went on a double date with a couple N. Korean chicks when I was in China, and surely they fathom this magnitude of deprivation.

If and when the North Koreans get to watch their guys, who miraculously qualified for the World Cup via the Asia qualifier tournament, despite being literally one of the worst rated teams on the planet, it well may be the very first time most of those people have ever seen the parallel universe/alien planet/what we call the real world--EVER! They will see the people in the stands happy and screaming; they will see a beautiful stadium; grass so green it looks fake; and the intro footage of the city around the stadium when they have the blimp-cam-view. Imagine being 16, 27, 35, 44, whatever; and seeing lush scenery, chic clothing, and crazy face-painted soccer hooligans for the first time. Who knows if they ever actually get to see anything--we'll probably never know.

So game time's inside a few minutes from now. Best team on Earth v. arguably the worst country on Earth. Ironic evil-government-regime-karma for the PRK: drawing Brazil in game 1 of their first World Cup appearance. I'd be shocked if we don't see people in the audience with human rights signs aimed at the PRK's government--it's a rare platform where you know EVERYONE is watching--especially North Korea.

Maybe we'll see a 10 - 0 game. Either way, this is as rare a matchup as it ever gets in sports and in life. Frankly, I'm shocked I haven't found this content all over the internet (believe me, I've scoured). I've been thinking about it for months and it absolutely merits our attention. This game just being played is extraordinarily significant. You should check it out.